Pride 2021: Some thoughts on sexuality and gender
Table of Contents
Dumb Rambling
It's June 2021.
The main reason June is pride month, from what I know, is as a continuation upon the Stonewall riots in June 1969, which from what I've heard was the coolest riot on the planet! Okay, maybe not the part where thousands of LGBTQ+ people were attacked by police, but if that really doesn't show why the police are the worst organization on the face of this poor country's land, I don't know what does. Regardless, who wouldn't want to smack a bunch of homophobic police with bricks!?!
So yeah, blah blah blah, pride month. It's been 52 years since Stonewall. Get on with it.
This blog is probably the most disorganized attempt at writing ever. I don't know what I'm doing, I'll be honest.
I have about a million different points to address, so try me, text document!
Just a warning, this blog might be a bit upsetting if mentions of past homophobia and societal homophobia is bothersome. I would suggest reading the section on gender though.
I also write this to just... get my thoughts out of my head. Maybe I need more friends. Regardless, get to the point for the love of god!!!
Sexuality
Okay, so, sexuality! It's the idea that humans are attracted to things! Wow! How is sexuality applied in heteronormativity?
Man love woman! Woman love man! That is sexuality! Make baby! Very simple. Anything else? BAD!!!
Everyone is assumed to be born loving the opposite sex. After all, it's what your parents and your parent's parents, and your parent's parent's parents do!
I think most people know that's not true by now. I hope. If anything, it makes a lot more sense to either assume that everyone is born bisexual or asexual (which is actually accurate, considering most don't figure out their sexuality until their early teens!). Or just, you know, don't assume things about people!
Bias?
What I do know is that somewhere we seriously screwed up and actually made heteronormativity a thing, because what I learned in grade school from everyone around me? Gay = bad! It wasn't said like that, it wasn't stated, but for every gay joke, every "no homo", and every "gay" stereotype, I was painted a picture in my small, impressionable brain.
A picture that said one thing: To be gay is to be a joke, to be something to make fun of.
Sure, before my childhood, being gay had much worse connotations. I mean, Alan Turing was a genius, he saved the Allies in the war, and yet he was prosecuted for simply being gay.
If that was my childhood perception, we have certainly come a long way from the killing, prosecution, and silencing of the past. That's to be commended. But it's easy to say the job is done when it definitely is not. The basis of our society's beliefs have not changed: gay is different, and therefore gay is lesser.
Nobody wants to be made fun of. That's why nobody wanted to seem too "gay". The word was not used in its literal sense, to be gay, but as an insult. I say "was", in speaking for my childhood self. It still is used that way by a very wide range of people.
Honestly, I still don't understand why. Why have we made this a thing? Why is every typical uncaring boy saying "no homo bro"? Why is society so afraid of the perception that they might be attracted to the same sex?
It's so subconscious. It's drilled deep in to every crack in the back of your mind. "That's so gay".
I'm leaving an open question here, because I am genuinely curious. What is the source!?! I suppose you could attribute the remnants of a deeply homophobic past, but my main question is how this got into the mind of every child I ever knew?
I still hear it today, from grown adults! Met with hushes and "you can't say that", but nonetheless present!
Why?
Anyway, moving on from the bias stuff: let's talk about some good stuff!
Just Go Crazy
I think the world puts a lot of pressure on everyone to assign themselves to specific groups and then follow those groups to the T or else you've violated the laws of the universe or something. The same goes for sexuality. You're either straight, gay, or bi! It's so... messy. It confuses people.
You don't have to be bi just because you find one person of the same sex attractive, or because you have thoughts about it, or because this, and that, and a million other reasons! Likewise, you don't have to say you're straight either! We don't let people just... be! Humans are really damn complicated, and our attraction to others equally so! Just take it how it is. Want labels? Pick one! Questioning! Bi! Pan! Straight! Gay! Go crazy! Change it up every week, find one you like, keep it! Change your mind!
It's a free world. You're locking yourself down. Wanna try going as bi for a bit but then decide it's not for you and you'd rather call yourself straight? Cool! You're whatever you say you are.
Our society says that you are one thing, and you are always that thing. Which is true (maybe?)! You were (probably, but this is a whole new debate) always that sexuality, but it takes some trial and error to figure it out. So really, you aren't always that one thing.
The fear that comes with "coming out" and changing up your sexuality all the time, in an ideal world, would not even have to exist. If we just got it through our thick skulls that sexuality is fluid, that there is no "default settings" (that's right, transphobic nor/mal guys), and that we're not bounded by our labels, things would be a lot easier.
So yeah. Sexuality is really bendy. Don't try to lock it down too much.
A Story
Ah, yes, just what everyone needs. More of my past. Better just make this my diary!
2015: Legalization
I remember the day in 2015, the exact moment I heard that gay marriage was legalized nationally. I was sitting near a pool table, in my brother's friends' basement. Just barely 11. At the time, I was aware enough of how awful society was to know that this was a good thing. In fact, I was quite excited! History was in front of my very eyes! I knew this was important. I believe I was jumping and cheering and I vaguely recall being asked why I was so excited. Dunno what I said, but it makes me think of the fear of being gay again. Like they thought I was gay because I was celebrating this moment. They could've, sure, but why is everyone so afraid of that!?!
Confusingly, I also recall a moment some time before or after this that I was told that the very same friend was coming out as bi. Maybe the summer before? I remember... being disgusted? I said something along the lines of "I didn't think of him that way". As if by being bi he was immediately breaking my expectations by being "bad"? I don't know why I thought this. I still feel ashamed of it. Obviously, I am not the same person that said that, and I definitely don't think that way now, but it still hurts that I could've been that hateful someone.
My past didn't include the prideful and free representation of LGBTQ+ people that it needed for me to truly see past the harmful imprint of big bad society. I remember calling other kids gay because I thought they were weird (despite being weird myself, hypocrite much, child me?). I remember being called gay (because I was weird).
Something I always thought to myself was that I could never be gay because gay people don't get houses and have kids. Hah.
Seriously, my child self literally just needed to see an ounce of queer people just living life to understand that it was o k a y!
The world seriously failed.
2016: New Everything
2015 ends, 2016 starts, summer happens, I meet new friends. I'm getting ready for middle school.
Then, middle school. Friends coming out, new people, new feelings, new everything! At some point, BuzzFeed creeps into my YouTube subscriptions, videos with actual LGBTQ people just doing things! My friends are all dating each other???
Now I understood. Doesn't matter. Gay does not equal bad. All my poor child self needed was the bare minimum to not become a lifelong homophobe. I mean, I eventually got it, but it took way too long, guys! What was that? Get your act together!
My hope is that this next generation, who is so chronically online sometimes it makes me sick, will not have this problem. Someone let me know about that.
Anyway, back to myself! Look at me! I am very important and relevant! You want to keep reading!
I had always thought I was somewhat attracted to guys, even before middle school. I remember thinking a boy in my class was kind of cute. I remember thinking this boy at camp looked good. These instances were so rare though. I found most guys quite unattractive. I had figured I was just straight. I'd furthermore internalized my fear of being gay and used it to justify to myself being straight.
In middle school, once I had been shown the true freedom I could have, I reconsidered.
I went as bisexual among my friends and even would tell anyone who asked at school. I didn't really care. I didn't go after any guys either. Didn't like any of them. Had a girlfriend for a bit. Broke up. Single. 8th grade starts.
2018: Regression
Something happens. In my mind I start creeping back at the idea that I'm just confused, straight. After all, I couldn't name a single guy I found attractive (especially romantically), and I could name a few girls! So that was it. I'm probably bi, but for all intents and purposes, I am straight? So I said I was straight. I said it so much that I believed it. I told people I was wrong in middle school. I was just straight.
My childhood fears had bitten back at me.
I didn't question this decision I had made. Not even a little.
For a bit. Then I figured. Ah, I'm straight, but bicurious! I stuck with that and left out the bicurious part for most people for a few years. As in, the entirety of 2018 to 2020.
2021: Freedom
Then late 2020, I consider more about how sexuality works. To be bisexual, I don't have to fit this weird mold of being perfectly attracted, equally, at all times, to everyone! Nobody works like that. I tossed it around in my head for a few months. Worked through my biases, fears, thoughts. Then sometime in January 2021 I thought: "Ah. I am too damn gay to be straight. I am bisexual, and I'm sticking with that."
And so that was it. Upon realizing this, I immediately felt very freed and happy. I don't know how or why it took me so long to get to that point, or why I regressed in the first place.
I just wanted to share my story for anyone else who has ever been confused like that.
It's whatever you want it to be. Not what you think other people think you should be, or what your internal ruleset has decided is fitting.
Most of my close friends know that I'm bi, but now for anyone who doesn't: this is me! I think it was getting a bit obvious. I have purple hair, long nails, and really like wearing the two pink articles of clothing I own, and my website is plastered with rainbows. I'm still the same person you've known forever. Not changed a bit. What you think and see has changed, but not me. Happy pride month! Here's to hoping I don't get hate-crimed for simply existing!
Gender
Now that we've had our nice bedtime story and live-happily-ever-after ending, let's talk about gender.
Just some warnings, I will make very broad generalizations to make a point. Understand the point, not the generalizations.
Analyzing gender from an objective point of view, you'd realize that humans are absolutely bonkers. WHY? WHY DID WE MAKE THIS!!?!?? Aliens would be so confused.
Humans generally have two unique sets of sex organs, yeah! We took that, and then we were like "oh yeah this one, this one likes this, and the other one needs to do this!!!!"
We stereotyped different sex organs on humans, and then we decided that we need to follow this perfect mold of stereotypes otherwise we are wrong!
We literally lynched people for breaking stereotypes! Stonewall happened because police were pissy that some people wanted to wear dresses!!!! WHAT?!?!?! WHY? LITERALLY HOW?!?!
If we did not make the most confusing social structure in the history of social structures that is gender, I cannot imagine our society. Completely different.
Just... JUST DELETE IT! Die, GENDER! WHY MUST YOU CURSE OUR FOOLISH MORTAL PLANE, GENDER!
Alright, back to some substance. So yeah, we made gender, as a result of ~200,000 years of human history. We noticed some trends, followed them, and somehow they became the magical rules by which all humans must abide or be shamed.
There has always been an extent to which it was acceptable to break these rules. Think tomboys, cis men wearing the occasional pink, cultural differences, etc.
But there has always been a point where it is deemed unacceptable. Furthermore to completely reject these rules meant you were insane, an outcast.
Our world is deeply transphobic, on a concerning level. We cling so tightly to our made up rules. I cling to them. You cling to them.
It's so... surreal? It's unsettling. It's on the level of brainwashing. It has been drilled into our minds, from everything, everywhere.
But we need to accept it: it's not real. It's made up. Nature did not say these things. Humans did.
We are made to fear ourselves, by ourselves, for ourselves, against... ourselves. We have made trans people (especially non-binary people) our enemy because in a world without gender, we fall apart. An integral part of our identity, our gender, would simply cease to exist. We would have to be one thing: ourselves.
If there's one thing I know: to find yourself - it's not easy. Not only to find, but to be. Being is the scariest thing you can do.
Rather than address this, we have chosen to argue over genitalia and bathrooms.
Your expression does not need to match, and in fact, should not match, that of your gender. You are you. No rules. No roles. No gender necessary.
In a perfect world (from my perspective, gender wise), everyone would be what we now call non-binary, and then sexuality would be a question of individual attraction and genitalia preference. Instead we lock it to genders and then tell people to pick one, the other, or neither. It's very weird.
Think about it. How does gender serve you? How does it help you live your life? You use it to determine an applicable beauty standard. What you think is an ideal attraction. A baseline.
Nothing else, other than to force others into roles and stereotypes. Functionally, there is no unique thing that makes gender necessary. Without gender, we could just find or not find people attractive. The whole "gender lets you know what's in their pants" thing is just kinda gross and unhelpful. If you have a genitalia preference, that is up to you and your potential partner to work out, not your entire environment and basis for the structure of how people should look and act. If gender is a huge fake structure we keep around explicitly so we can figure out who we are attracted to, I really think there's a better solution out there.
So yeah, that's some thoughts on gender. Just do what you want. For now, since we're stuck with gender, do what you want. Respect others' choices. Use their preferred pronouns.
For me, dunno. That's fine, though. Gender is so huge, overbearing, and unrelenting that I personally find it easier to just: not.
A Conclusion: Some Ancient History
I'll end this on a fun little note about ancient history. Learned this one off TikTok. Thanks clock app!
Interestingly, ancient greeks did not actually have a concept of homosexuality. Everyone was assumed "bisexual" (in the way we currently define sexuality).
Obviously, it wouldn't be human history if it didn't have some way of demeaning a minority group, so they decided to group people based on submissiveness. The "submissive" males were lesser, so indirectly homosexuality was shamed. It is interesting, though, that our society moved from that system to today's. It also shows everything we think today is a lie that we made up.
Food for thought.
Happy pride month, everyone. If you are to do anything, then simply exist. As you, nothing else.